


Those Lovely Strangers

by kenzieann27



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Diary/Journal, Gen, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, Mike Hanlon Deserves Nice Things, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24925417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenzieann27/pseuds/kenzieann27
Summary: Mike starts a journal following the summer of 1989, trying to make some sense of what happened and what to do next.
Relationships: Mike Hanlon & The Losers Club
Comments: 11
Kudos: 13





	1. New Normal

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at a journal-type fic here, so I hope you enjoy it! It was a lot of fun to think of things from Mike's point of view and him having to watch his friends leave.

_ August 25, 1989 _

I feel like I could always tell something was wrong with Derry. The others sort of understand that it's a shitty place, but it's not the same. They all live in the town, and I don't want to say that they are part of the problem, but it is easier for me to see the town for what it is when I'm out here. When you're on the outside looking in, it's easier to see something for what it is.

I don't know why I am writing this, I'm not much of a writer. Ben talks a lot about the stuff that happened in this town, but there isn't much about what is happening right now. Thought I'd at least try to write something in case it helps anyone in the future like those in the past have helped us. Again, it was easy for Ben to understand the severity of these things. He's an outsider, too.

Everything feels different now. It's only been a week, but it feels like it's been years. Decades even. I wonder how long it will be until we can move past this. Or if we will ever be able to.

I'm trying my best to hold things together. Beverly's been staying with us on the farm while they're figuring out where she's going to go. She thinks she's probably going to go stay with her aunt down in Portland. I hope she doesn't have to move that far; it's been nice having her on the farm. She seems to love the farm, too. She says she loves the freedom, but I think she just likes petting the animals.

It's good that we don't really have smaller animals like chickens. Beverly seems to be very twitchy, so she'd scare them off quickly. I'm not sure if she's always been like that or if it was because of everything that happened. Maybe both. Either way, I'm glad that I'm not a chicken.

* * *

_ August 30, 1989 _

Last night I found her sitting on the roof again. Beverly says it's because she likes looking at the stars, but I am not so sure. To be honest, I'm surprised she is comfortable being up so high. I think she thinks that if she is up so high then nothing can get to her. She doesn't seem very comfortable on the ground, now that I think about it. I hate that for her.

Bill, Ben, and Eddie visited this morning, though. That seemed to make things at least a little better. It's strange to see how everyone is dealing with everything. It's hard to say for Richie and Stan. They're always off on their own.

From what I can tell, things are hitting Eddie the hardest. He didn't want to go outside when we went to pet the sheep, he just sat on the couch and mostly stared at the bookshelf. He didn't want to read anything, though. He just sat there.

Ben seems mostly okay. A little paranoid, but we all are. I would be surprised if he wasn't. He just kept looking behind him, even when we were in the barn. But then Beverly made a joke about the sheep and he seemed to calm down a bit. It's strange for her to do that, you know? Beverly is such a fiery person- in a good way- but she's also able to be very warm and helpful.

It's hard to describe Bill. He wasn't very comfortable with petting the animals, which was okay. I think one of the goats might have licked his hand and grossed him out. That was a good laugh, even though he went back inside to keep Eddie company. I don't think Grandpa kept Eddie much company other than awkward glares, since that's what he's mostly good at. Even if he seems to understand, he isn't much help when it comes to this. When it comes to figuring out what's next.

* * *

_ September 5, 1989 _

Bev moved to Portland yesterday. It's hard to think she's just gone. It doesn't feel right. It's hard to explain, but it just doesn't feel right. She should still be here with us. Even if it's selfish to say, I don't think she should have left.

I can tell the others feel lost without her. Which isn't all bad, I guess. I met up with Richie and Stan at the quarry earlier and Richie didn't smoke once. I could tell he wanted to, he kept staring at his pack, but he just didn't. I figured it reminded him of her too much.

I was wrong in my assumption that things were hitting Eddie the worst. At least Eddie was able to sit in the living room at the farm by himself. It's hard to say who it's affecting more between Richie and Stan. Richie is like Beverly, he can't sit still- not in a twitchy way, more of a shaky way. On the other hand, Stan is… agitated, if that's the right word for it. But not on the outside; on the outside, he seems numb. When I saw him, I could tell he was just trying to bury what happened. He kept grabbing Richie's hand and just staring off at nothing

I didn't think much of it, the handholding. I could see it was a mutual thing. Richie needed someone to ground him, to keep him from shaking so much. Stan just needed someone to be there, to feel close to, I think. Stan hates being alone.

Stan also kept cleaning Richie's glasses. That was the more obvious sign of their mutual dependency on each other. Richie calmed down a bit when he couldn't see, as if the glasses were making the world too real, too familiar. When things got fuzzy for him, he could breathe.

And, of course, cleaning things kept Stan calm. Well, not exactly  _ calm _ . It was a good distraction for him. We all had a good laugh when Stan tried wearing Richie's glasses though. Stan said something like "You're blind, Richie," and Richie just smiled at him.

Thinking back on it, it just makes me angry. It makes me upset. Before, they were able to enjoy each other's company and they made each other laugh, and, yeah, they annoyed the shit out of each other, but this is hard to watch. They're attached at the hip not out of friendship but out of obligation. They're dependent on each other.

I'm not very religious, but I pray for them. I pray for all of them, but I'm terrified of what would happen to Richie or Stan if one were to leave the other. It's kind of like tug-of-war, in a way, those two. It's unhealthy, of course, but if one were to let go then they'd both fall down.

Please, God, I don't want them to fall. Do not let them fucking fall.

* * *

_ November 2, 1989 _

The weather is starting to get colder. I'm not sure how winter will be this year, but I hope it snows. I've always liked the snow.

Bill's gone now. Thought I'd just rip the band-aid off that one and just say it. It hurt a lot to see him leave. Of course, Richie and Eddie took that the hardest. Stan's mostly just in his own bubble these days. I feel bad for Richie. He's the one keeping that bubble from bursting.

It was Halloween a few days ago, my favorite holiday. The rest of the Losers didn't really feel like going out to get candy- I didn't either, to be honest- but we did have a little party of sorts at Richie's house. It was nice to have everyone together, we played a few games and dressed up in costumes. Stan was a ghost, which would have been a bit more convincing if he didn't use his light blue sheets. I was surprised to know he cut holes in his sheets, but he just shrugged that off.

Richie and Eddie tried to coordinate their costumes, and I think they turned out pretty well. I haven't seen the Bill and Ted movie, but I'm guessing that they look like the characters in that movie. Stan didn't really like them, though. Richie said that Stan was supposed to be the Bill to his Ted, but Stan was "in one of his moods." It was nice to see Stan making fun of Richie for his replacement choice, though. Apparently, the Bill character is supposed to have curly blonde hair, something that Eddie does not have at all.

I never did the whole Halloween thing before, the costumes and stuff. I did like watching scary movies and decorating my room and all of that, though. Richie's mom loves decorating their house, there were a lot of pumpkins and fake cobwebs and stuff. Mrs. Tozier is really nice, too, but she seemed a bit frustrated with Richie when he'd laugh too loudly during some parts of the movie.

It was strange, though, going up to Richie's room to change into my costume. Richie's room was oddly clean, which wasn't something I really expected. I think Stan sleeps there a lot, since I noticed some of his clothes folded on Richie's bed. I didn't have time to go out and buy a costume from a store, so I made one myself. It wasn't anything fancy, I just went as a scarecrow. Since I live on a farm, it was fairly easy to make.

I really liked Ben's costume, he dressed up as Luke Skywalker. He taped a piece of blue tissue paper to a flashlight for his lightsaber, which I think was a really smart idea, even if Eddie kept saying it might be a fire hazard.

The Toziers got a lot of trick-or-treaters on Halloween, which was fun. Mrs. Tozier let me hand out candy to the kids when they came up to the house, though I don't think the kids were very happy since all they got was some sugar-free salt water taffy.

It was nice to stay the night at Richie's house, even if Richie does snore a bit. Mr. Tozier made us breakfast, which was nice of him to do, too. The others had school the next day, but Richie's parents let me stay for a bit before Grandpa came and got me. Richie's house is really loud, though it was mostly because Stan fell asleep in his costume, which he wasn't very happy about since it led to his hair being a mess. Eddie laughed when Richie said Stan's hair looked nice, though I think that was mostly because Richie wasn't looking at Stan when he said that.

I miss hanging out with all of them. It's weird not having Bill around, since he was able to keep us together and hanging out and stuff. I'm trying my best to help when I can, but it's hard to do that when they don't really seem like they want to hang out with each other anymore.

Maybe it's just me. I'm not sure.

* * *

_ December 1, 1989 _

Bill called this morning. He didn't really know my name at first, which I thought was weird. I think maybe he was just tired or sick or something. I mean, he had to know me if he called me.

I wasn't sure what he wanted, and I'm not sure he did either. He asked a lot about "the others" but didn't ask about one specifically. He mentioned Beverly, though. I said I hadn't talked to her. He seemed confused.

I think something might be wrong, but I'm not sure. Ben said it would be 27 years before something like this would happen again, if It isn't really dead. Maybe we changed something. I don't know.

I went to the movies with Stan earlier, too. We saw the new  _ Back to the Future _ movie, which I liked for the most part. I'm not sure what Stan thought of it, but I don't think he liked it since we left before it was over. He said he didn't feel good and wanted to go to the quarry.

Stan cries a lot. It's not a bad thing, I don't think. He said he felt bad, but I said it was okay that we didn't see the whole movie. I think he might have brushed against some poison ivy or something since he kept scratching at his hand. Or maybe it's because of the cold, Stan said he doesn't like the cold.

Things are hard. I don't understand how we could have done so much to stop what was happening only to make things worse. Maybe if we didn't do anything things would be better. Everyone else in the town seems happy. Then again, they just  _ seem _ happy. Maybe they're like the Losers in that they just pretend to be happy when they know how bad things are. I know I pretend sometimes. I pretend a lot of the time.

I don't want to pretend that things are fine or wait until something happens again. I want to actually do something about this. I'm not sure who I could ask for help, though. I know I can't do it alone. I don't want to do it alone.


	2. Winter Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter rolls around, and winter break with it, bringing along new problems for Mike and the Losers as they continue to figure out what's next for them.

_December 15, 1989_

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. It's Christmas break now, which is interesting. Well, winter break, anyway. Stan tends to roll his eyes when people call it Christmas break.

We've decided to do a gift exchange this year, which is interesting. I don't know who everyone got, but I do know that Ben has to buy a present for Eddie, which he's struggling a bit with. I have to get a gift for Stan, which I thought would be easy, but it is a bit hard to do too. Ben and I went around town trying to find the right gifts, which was nice. It snowed a little bit, though not enough to do anything fun.

Stan is hard to find a gift for. I think of something, but then I try to think like Stan, and I find a million reasons why it's awful. Like, I wanted to get him a really nice blanket since it's cold out and he hates the cold, but Stan might not like the color or the texture or the thickness of the blanket. Then I thought about getting him a new pair of binoculars since he dropped his last pair out of a tree, but then it might make him sad when he remembers he broke his last pair.

Ben said he might get Eddie some cassettes since Eddie doesn't really have any of his own. I think that's a good idea, too, since Eddie doesn't really have a lot of his own stuff. His mom buys his clothes and blankets and stuff so Ben couldn't have gotten him anything too obvious. I said that Eddie would like anything that Ben got him, but Ben just shrugged it off. I understand that, though. Ben likes making people happy.

* * *

_December 21, 1989_

I'm glad the rest of the Losers aren't at school anymore. This school year has been weird for them, I think. Richie says that Stan misses school a lot, which makes his parents mad at him, which makes Stan feel bad, which makes him miss more days since he's so upset. Richie tends to call me a lot at weird hours, usually around midnight or so. I feel bad if I don't answer him.

It's okay, though. I don't go to regular school, so I don't really have to wake up at a specific time each day. I do wake up early, though that's just because I have to help out around the farm before doing my schoolwork. I think I like to stay busy, though, so it's okay.

Richie did call me one night at about one o'clock, which was strange since it was so late. He was crying, which scared me. He said that he got his report card and he wasn't doing very well in class. Well, "not well" for Richie. His grades were okay, mostly B's, but he was mostly upset about the little comments his teachers wrote. A lot of the comments were just about how he won't sit still or how he talks too much, though he said his science teacher wrote that Richie should "enroll in an easier science course for the second semester," which I think was what made Richie so upset. I'm not completely sure, though. It was hard to understand him while he was crying and then Stan started talking- which I think confirmed my thoughts about Stan sleeping there- and then they started talking to each other and I wasn't sure what to do so I just hung up. I figured Stan would be able to calm him down.

I forgot to mention it, but it was actually Eddie's idea for the gift exchange. He said that he, Bill, Richie, and Stan used to have them at random times throughout the year, which sounds funny. I'm not used to getting gifts for no reason, that's usually just a Christmas or birthday sort of thing. I think Eddie picked Richie's name since we went shopping the other day and he kept looking at strange things in the store. Well, strange for Eddie, anyway. He doesn't really seem like the type of kid that would willingly look at bright floral shirts or movie posters for no reason.

I ended up getting Stan a sweater and some candy, too. I tried to get him seven different candies to go with the sweater since that adds up to eight and Hanukkah is eight days, I think. He said it starts tomorrow, but we aren't doing the gift exchange until the day after Christmas- that was Richie's idea, sort of a "post-Christmas Christmas" type thing. I hope Stan likes the sweater; it feels very soft and it's a bit big too so then it'll keep him warm and stuff. Or maybe he doesn't like big sweaters and he'll think I didn't actually get it for him since it is not his size. With Stan, it always feels like a 50/50 chance at doing well or failing miserably. I think that's what makes Stan so much fun. Or maybe that's one of his flaws. Even with that, I'm not exactly sure. Then again, 50/50 is a pretty good chance. I'll take 50/50.

* * *

_December 23, 1989_

I hate it when friends fight. It feels like I have to pick sides and I can't do that.

Eddie, Richie, Stan, and I went to Richie's house yesterday since it snowed a lot and they wanted to try building a snow fort. Richie has the biggest yard out of all of them, so I think it made the most sense. I wouldn't really want to build a snow fort on the farm, anyway. It's a lot of dirt and stuff.

I don't really know what happened, it seemed to have happened so fast. Stan got mad at Eddie for something, I think maybe Eddie was talking to Richie about something and it made Stan mad. Stan threw a snowball at Eddie, but it ended up hitting Richie, which made Richie mad and he threw snow back at Stan. I tried to make them stop but Stan said he didn't feel good and he wanted to go home.

Stan said he hates Richie. I know he didn't mean it, but it hurt for him to say that. I don't want any of us to start hating each other. He wouldn't say why he hates Richie, though. Hopefully, it was just an emotional thing and he didn't really feel that way. I said I don't want them to fall but I didn't expect it to happen so fast. Or when both of them are still here.

I walked with Stan back to his house, that's where he said he hated Richie. Stan's room is really dark. He keeps the curtains closed on one of the windows. I'm guessing the other window's curtains are kept open only because it's right next to a tree. There aren't any birds around in the winter, but I hope spring will help Stan feel better. The winter blues are not treating him well.

Stan's room was really messy, too. There were clothes on the floor and a bunch of papers scattered on his desk. He had those blue sheets on his bed, too. The ones with the holes in them from Halloween.

I stayed the night at Stan's house. He seemed upset and I didn't really want to leave him alone. Stan's mom said that Richie called later, but Stan didn't really respond. It was nice of Mrs. Uris to let me stay the night, especially since she also made me some dinner, too. We had chicken soup, which she said was Stan's favorite. It seemed to make him feel a little better, though he did look like he was more of a fan of the bread than the soup.

I've never really slept in the same bed as someone else before. Stan has a full bed, which was really comfortable. He said that he's always had that bed since his room was originally a guest room. I hadn't heard of a kid having a bigger bed before, though it somehow makes sense for Stan. He's always been too mature for his age. Again, not really sure if that's good or not.

Stan is very strange when he sleeps. I wasn't sure how to phrase that, but I hope it doesn't come off in a weird way. He's a very active sleeper. I didn't know what to do, so I just let him sleep the way he wanted to. Even if his arm ended up on my face and his leg over my stomach. Stan is weirdly more flexible than you'd think.

Richie called again at midnight. I didn't want to take sides in their fight, so I did answer it that time. I don't think he knew it was me at first since he kept apologizing. Richie doesn't really apologize that much, so it did make me feel a bit better knowing he did feel bad for what happened. Then again, I don't think Richie was the one that needed to apologize.

I'm hoping the gift exchange will fix things. I understand Beverly and Bill not talking to us since they're not around anymore, but it's hard when it's the rest of the guys here. We're in the same town, we've been through the same stuff. We shouldn't be treating each other like this. I don't want to get involved since I know we're just kids, y'know? Normal kids go through this, so maybe this is something that is good or helpful. I don't know.

I thought this was a bit weird to say earlier- then again, I'm not sure if anyone else will really be reading this- but Stan's nose twitches when he sleeps. I think it's kinda cute.


	3. Pots and Kettles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's springtime in Derry, which always is a good time to experience new things and learn something new. Or, in Mike's case, try to adjust to the changing of the seasons and come to terms with the things that have happened.

_January 3, 1990_

It is officially 1990 now, so I guess it is fitting to say Happy New Year! Or, as Richie tends to put it, Happy New Decade.

It's strange to think it is a whole new decade and how a lot of things will probably change now just because of that. It certainly doesn't feel different, though I guess I am a bit more hopeful and curious to see what this new decade will bring.

Christmas was fun, I got a new scarf and some books from Grandpa. My old scarf had some holes in it, so it didn't really keep me warm. I did ask for a dog, though I don't think now would really be the right time to get one. Maybe for my birthday since it is in the summer. I wouldn't want a dog that has to go outside in the cold right when I get them.

I think the gift exchange did help the Losers a bit. Stan did like the sweater and candy I got him; he had a big smile on his face when he opened them. I'm really happy he liked the presents. Stan deserves to be happy. Stan got Ben some new books, they seemed older; Eddie liked the tapes that Ben got him, or, at least, he said he did; Eddie did pick Richie's name, and he got him a few comics; I ended up getting a gift from Richie, actually. Richie got me a few board games that he said I would like. I liked the fact that they were board games since then we could get the Losers together more often to play them. We don't really hang out that much together as a group. I miss that.

Ben's mom didn't decorate their house too much for Christmas, just a few decorations around the house and a small tree. It was weird going into Ben's room again, since the last time I was there I remember there being a lot of pictures and letters and notes and stuff all over his walls. I think he packed that stuff away to make room for the Christmas decorations. He decorated his room with those paper snowflakes and stuff, which I thought was nice. Ben taught me how to make some while the rest of the Losers were playing one of the board games I got. They seemed to have played it before, so it was okay that I didn't play with them. I needed a bit to understand the rules.

I made a snowman in the yard yesterday. Well, I tried to. I forgot how quiet it gets in the winter, it's really scary even when it's light outside. Usually, the snowmen I make are made of three snowballs, but I just made one with two this time. I also made a snow angel, though it didn't really turn out right. But that's okay, I guess. It's just a snow angel.

* * *

_February 2, 1990_

I wish I could say nothing much happened in the past month, but that would be a lie. It feels weird coming back and writing after so long. I guess I didn't really want to talk about it at the time.

Eddie is in New York now. He moved last week, and it hurt like Hell when he left. I want to hate him for not telling us he was moving away, too, but I think he didn't say anything so we wouldn't be sad while he was still here. God, now I'm talking about him like he's dead. He's not. He's okay.

It's just me, Ben, Richie, and Stan now. How much longer before another one of us leaves? Before all of us leave? I don't want to lose anyone else. The Losers are the first friends I have, and I feel like I'm being punished for something by having to watch them leave. I'm sure the others feel that way, too. At the same time, though, I should be happy that they're able to get out. Derry is a terrible place and they're getting out. I can't do that. I don't want to be jealous, I really don't.

I haven't seen the others since Eddie left. Richie hasn't called since then, either. I know he's taking it hard, ~~they~~ we all are. Hopefully, Stan is helping him with this, but I don't think Stan was really on good terms with Eddie when he left. Stan isn't one for apologizing, even when he needs to. He's stubborn, that one.

Eddie made me promise something when he left. I could tell he was serious about it, though Eddie is serious about everything, I guess. He made me promise not to let him forget the others. He could tell that Bill and Beverly had forgotten since they moved away- he said he tried calling Bill, but Bill didn't know who he was. Eddie didn't want that to happen to him. I didn't know what to say, he was almost crying. His mom kept yelling for him and I didn't want to make her upset because she'd probably take it out on him. I said I would. I said I wouldn't let him forget even though I didn't know how. I've tried calling him every day like he said, and so far he knows who I am. I know it won't last. I know he will forget and I hate that one day I'll call and he won't know who I am. I hate that it had to be me. Why did it have to be me? I hate myself for promising him that. Even if he won't remember that I promised, I'll remember and that's enough. It's enough.

* * *

_February 15, 1990_

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, which is always a strange holiday for me. I've never really been interested in the whole idea of getting married and all that stuff. I mean, I guess if I find a really special person, then I might. Dating is a weird thing to me, I think- being with someone for only a little while until either you get married or break up. If you're with someone, that has to mean you love them, right?

I volunteered with Ben yesterday at the library, he said the librarians were doing a little activity for the smaller kids and needed help. They were making cards and coloring and stuff, which was nice to help out with. Even if I got glitter all over my hands. Ben seems to love Valentine's Day, or at least the idea of it. He says it's important to make sure that the people you love know they are loved. I'm not sure why there needs to be a holiday dedicated to that, though, instead of making sure your loved ones are loved every day.

I tried calling Richie and Stan to ask if they wanted to join us, but they said they were going to see a movie. I think Richie said they were going to see _Tremors_. It doesn't really sound like a Valentine's Day movie, but I didn't say that to them. Richie and Stan are just… Richie and Stan. Ben and I try not to really question the things they do. Whatever works to keep them from fighting or breaking down or whatever. To be fair, we spent our Valentine's Day at the library. Pots and kettles, I guess. Pots and kettles.

Ben told me he wishes Beverly was still around, but he'd feel bad if he called her. Something about making her upset for leaving us here. I tried to tell him it wasn't anyone's fault for her leaving or us being left here. Things just happen sometimes. It was hard to lie to him about that, trying to make him feel better about something I am having trouble with myself. I understand how he feels, not wanting to bother those that left with our problems. We can't control those things. Their parents dragged them away and it's not like we could have gone with them or they could have stayed here. Life happens and we just have to work with the hand we are dealt. Even if that hand includes the shit we've had to work with.

It's not all bad, I guess. If it wasn't for all of that bad stuff, we wouldn't have met each other. I wonder where we would be if we never met each other. Would things have been better? It's not like we changed much. It happened, It will probably happen again. Then again, maybe we changed everything. It's kind of like Valentine's Day in that way, I guess. One small thing can change everything, or maybe it doesn't change anything at all. Life is weird like that.

* * *

_March 13, 1990_

It's now spring break, which is strange since it's not really spring yet. Spring feels more like rain and flowers and stuff. It's still pretty wintery out, it's very cold and it still snows a little bit.

Richie is going on vacation with his parents, I think he said he was going over to New Jersey for the week to visit his cousins as a late birthday present for himself. Ben said he's volunteering some more at the library, and I haven't really heard anything from Stan. I think the last time I talked to him he mentioned he was going to paint his room. Anything to keep us busy, right?

I've been teaching myself knitting in my spare time. It seems silly now that I mention it, but then again, I am writing this down in a journal. I'm not exactly a manly type of guy. Ben loaned me some of his mom's knitting books, and I've just been doing small things. I want to be able to knit a blanket someday. It gets cold in Maine and I'm guessing I'll be here for quite some time. It'll be good to have a hobby to keep me company in case I'm the only one left. I'm not sure which one of them will be next, or if any of them will be leaving at all.

It's hard to imagine Stan leaving. Again, I'm not exactly a religious guy, but I'm not sure if his dad is really allowed to leave. Churches and synagogues and all of that sort of remind me of the farm. The priests or rabbis are like farmers, and farmers don't really leave their farms. As much as it would be nice to have Stan around, I'm not sure if I'd want him to. He's never really been comfortable here.

I'm not sure what Grandpa would think of me trying to learn knitting. I know he wants me to be strong and stuff, he wants me to take over the farm someday. As much as I love the peacefulness of it, I don't think I really like having such a big farm. I think maybe all I would be comfortable with is a nice house and maybe a small chicken coop and a few sheep. People could come to visit and pet the animals; I know how much they like to be pet. And I'd have a dog and every day would be a good day.

Yeah, that would be nice.

* * *

_April 7, 1990_

It is officially spring now! There are flowers starting to blossom and the weather is not completely horrible all the time. I think spring is probably my favorite holiday.

Stan is definitely loving spring, that's for sure. Some of the birds are coming back which he really appreciates. He hates Derry, but he's okay with the birds here. I've seen him at the park with Richie a couple of times already, even though Richie isn't the biggest fan of the park. Richie's more of an indoor person. He likes stores and movie theaters and stuff, not parks or beaches.

Ben and I went bowling yesterday, which I've never really done before. His mom had to take us to the next town over to be able to find a bowling alley, which was nice of her to do. Ben's mom is really nice, though she does work a lot. Ben won the two games we played, though I did have a lot of fun playing. The scoring system is really strange, and the shoes are really uncomfortable, but I had a lot of fun. It was a good day.

Spring is always a good season to me. Even more so this year because of everything that happened. Spring is about life and new beginnings, and I think we deserve that. After everything, we deserve to enjoy life and start fresh. Of course, we still struggle with all of the shit that happened and the shit that will probably happen in the future. But, right now, we are allowed to be happy. We're allowed to go bowling and see movies and learn knitting. We can't just allow that to dictate our lives. I mean, yeah, I'm still scared and I get times where I can't go outside. But those are just times, y'know? I have the rest of my life to move past that and learn to be comfortable with what happened. I figure that if Stan and Richie and Ben can have those little moments where they go to the park or volunteer at the library and are just themselves in a very chaotic town, then maybe so can I.

Then again, I'm not sure if I am quite ready for Ben to beat my ass at bowling again.


	4. Flowers for Eddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike begins to struggle with his desire to stay positive and its opposition to the harsh reality of life and the things he's meant to do.

_May 29, 1990_

It's weird that it's starting to be summer again. For the longest time I didn't really think about it but now school is almost over and it's almost like how it was last year. It's a bit scary, too. I want to keep acting like things are fine, like what happened didn't happen, but it's hard to keep doing that when the others are having a hard time, too. I want to be strong for them, but I don't know how much longer I can keep that up.

Ben told me about an opening at the library, I think he said they were looking for someone to help shelve books and stuff, which seemed interesting. Not sure how Grandpa would react to me asking him about it, though. I like working on the farm, but I do think maybe it would help to get a different job to help pay for things since Grandpa doesn't really pay me too much- that's okay, though. My life is pretty simple, so I don't really need a lot of money for stuff.

Talking to Ben is strange, he always seems tired. But when I ask him about it, he always just says that he's fine. I guess it is sometimes easier to tell that lie instead of sharing something that you don't know how to put into words. Ben seems excited about summer, though. He stayed over last weekend and he talked about some projects he wanted to work on- he said that he wanted to build some chairs for his mom since they like being outside but don't really have the money to buy furniture for their patio. I thought it was a nice idea, and it was really sweet of him to ask if I would like to help. I don't think I've built anything like that before, but it'll be interesting to see what it's like. Grandpa did teach me a little bit about upholstery, so maybe that'll come in handy when we get to that part.

Richie called me last night and he seemed upset, though I think he said it was just because of his new prescription for his glasses. I don't really know that much about glasses, but I said I hope he feels better soon. He said he was mostly upset 'cause he got a new video game but it's hard to play when his head hurts, but he doesn't want to ask Stan to play it for him since Stan is apparently not the best at video games.

Speaking- well, writing- of Stan, I think even he is a bit excited about summer. This school year has been rough on him, so hopefully the time outside in the sun will help him get back to his old self. Well, maybe a happier version of his old self. Not to say Stan isn't a happy person, but he tends to be stoic most of the time. I think he doesn't want to give off the impression that he finds Richie to be funny, so he stays neutral- though I think Richie likes this, as Stan isn't one to give him a pity laugh at a bad joke.

Then again, it is hard not to laugh when Richie talks about accidentally wearing his glasses in the shower and then freaking out when he realized he had been using his mom's shampoo for probably the past year or so. Even if it was surprising to learn Richie actually uses shampoo.

* * *

_July 3, 1990_

Today was my birthday, which is always a fun thing to celebrate. It's weird hearing you're 14 when you feel much, much older than that.

I didn't really want to do anything special, though I did get to hang out at the park with Ben, Richie, and Stan. I felt bad about going to the park since I know Richie hates it, but he kept saying that it was my birthday so it's fine. It didn't really feel fine knowing I was making him upset.

Since he was in a rather good mood this morning, I did ask Grandpa about working sometimes at the library and he actually seemed okay with the idea. I wouldn't be able to work too much, which is understandable, but it would be nice to be able to make an extra twenty or thirty dollars a week to help out. It isn't a lot, but I think it would be nice to work with Ben. He works there a bit on weekends, which he says is fun. His favorite thing to do is to read to the little kids that come in, even if he's supposed to be sweeping or wiping off the tables.

I was surprised that they got me presents, too, as Richie is usually the worst at keeping secrets. Ben got me some weird history books that he said the library had been trying to get rid of since they weren't really being used too much while Richie and Stan worked together and got me a new pair of shoes. I thought that was really kind of them to do, especially since Grandpa isn't the best at the whole birthday thing. I hope they're still around to do this next year, though I think it is a bit silly of me to make wishes like that on my birthday. I am making the others sound as though they're dead, and I don't mean to. I know they're okay and I'm happy they were able to get out of Derry, but sometimes I do wish they were here again. We miss them.

Yesterday was a strange day, not to completely change the subject, but I think it is important to say- or write, I guess. Stan said he was bored, so we hung out at the library in one of the quieter corners. After a while, you tend to realize that when Stan says he's bored, it usually means he needs to talk to someone. He said that Richie talked to him about Eddie for the first time since he left- well, _really_ talked. I could tell it made Stan upset really just by the way he talked about it, but I tried to remain strong and supportive. I think that's the type of friend I really like to be.

Stan said that he wishes it was him that left instead of Eddie, and I wasn't really sure how to respond to that. I could tell what he meant by it, that he was somehow worth less to us than Eddie would be, and I didn't know what else to do other than to listen to him. Stan said Eddie is strong and brave and he's good at pretending things are fine, something that Stan isn't really good at but none of us really care too much about. Stan is Stan and we all process this stuff in our own ways. Just because Eddie does it his way doesn't mean it's better than Stan's- it's not better, in my opinion. Stan tends to wear his heart on his sleeve, which I think I always admired about him. If something is bothering him, he's sure to let you know about it one way or another. At the same time, though, I understand what he means. "It's hard to lift everyone up when you're the weak link," he said, which surprised me because I don't really see any of us as the weak link. We're all broken in our own ways, but that doesn't mean we can't work together to help each other when we can. Even a patchwork blanket still provides warmth.

I think I understand why Beverly liked to sit on the roof when she stayed with us. I do it sometimes when the sky is clear- it's nice to just look at the stars when I'm overwhelmed about stuff. It's weird to get frustrated about work or school after everything I've been through, but at the same time it is nice to just feel like a normal kid. Even if we're not normal kids, I think it's always good to just feel normal every once in a while. It helps remind me, at least, that there are still things to look forward to in life. Even if those things are bad things, it's still life. At least things are moving- I'd rather be moving in any direction, even backwards, if it means I'm moving. Being stuck is the worst feeling, and Beverly would tell me that, too. That whole feeling of floating, of just being in one place no matter how hard you try not to be. She made it feel like Hell, the way she described it. I don't think I'd wish that on anyone.

Though it feels weird to celebrate something like my birthday, I think I'm glad that I was able to do this with my friends. Though they're not all here, I think that's okay, because I know they're out there. Maybe one day we'll all be together again, though hopefully in a much better place. I don't mean like Heaven, either. I'm thinking more along the lines of a nice beach or a fancy restaurant or something, of course.

* * *

_September 12, 1990_

Why do people call each other weird? We're all weird in our own ways, I think. Even so, I don't understand why people say weird as if it's a bad thing. Then again, it's never really been a compliment.

Grandpa said it was strange of me to try and plant any flowers now that it's fall- and I understand that, but they're inside. I think the flowers will be fine if they're out of the cold. He doesn't get it, though. It's important to me, so I think that he should have tried to help instead of dismissing it as a weird thing to be doing. I know he doesn't do that on purpose, though. Or at least I hope not.

It was Eddie's birthday last week. It's been hard. I feel bad for letting him forget, and I know it's my fault. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to keep calling when I knew it would happen. I didn't want to be there when it did, so I stopped trying to delay the inevitable. I hate that it had to be me. I was alone for so long but then I got all of these wonderful friends all at once and now they're slowly leaving and forgetting and I'm stuck here. Am I being punished for something? I don't understand what I did to deserve this sort of thing. I'm sorry for whatever I did, I'm sure I didn't mean it.

I planted a few forget-me-nots in a small pot in my room. It's nice to have them for me to see when I wake up and stuff, even if they do remind me of what happened with Eddie. He seemed so sad the last time we talked on the phone- he said his mom was driving him crazy. I hate the thought of him being stuck with her in some stupid apartment in New York. In a house, he at least had a yard and some space away from her. I pray that he's okay.

The flowers I planted were mostly for Eddie, though they're also for Bill and Beverly. And for Richie, too, when he leaves. He said his parents told him they were thinking of moving out to the West, but they weren't really sure yet. I don't know if he's told Stan yet or if I'm going to have to tell him eventually, but I hope he takes it okay. I know Richie has been there for him, but I don't know if I can offer that same support. I hope Richie's parents change their minds. Just for a little longer. It's probably not okay to say this, but Stan wouldn't be able to survive without him. Richie can do it on his own, I think, but there's no way Stan can. He's just- he needs that support. He needs Richie.

It's been a rough couple of weeks around here. I try to stay positive when I can, but it is hard when I feel like I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, you know? I told myself Bill wouldn't leave, I told myself Eddie wouldn't leave. It almost makes me want to just pretend the others left, too, and get that over with. To distance myself from people that won't even know I exist this time next year. Or maybe next month- who knows anymore?

I don't mean to be so negative, I really don't. I'm trying all I can to stay positive, as I always do, but sometimes I think it's good to have moments where I'm a little more down than usual. It helps me appreciate the good times more when I know what the bad times are like.

The flowers look really pretty, by the way. They're small but very loud in color, kinda like Eddie. Maybe even if I can't make Eddie remember us, the least I can do is always remember him. I mean, it's Eddie Kaspbrak. It'd be pretty hard to forget him.


	5. Maybe, Hopefully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike begins to feel hopeful about his situation in the aftermath of another Loser's departure.

_ March 9, 1991 _

It has been a while since I wrote- well, that's sort of obvious now that I think about it. Things have been both good and bad, I suppose. Life is keeping me busy, which is good. I think I like keeping busy- then I don't have much time to think about things. Maybe that's a bad thing, though. I'm not entirely sure.

I am working a bit more at the library than I used to, and I actually think that I like it. Ben thinks it is weird that I like working, but it is calming to work in such a nice place that I can also learn some things about the town in. Ben is teaching me a few things he has learned about Derry, too, which is interesting. It's always nice to get an outsider's perspective on things… not that Ben is an outsider to me, but he is relatively new to the town. Well, more so than I am. Anyone is new to the town when compared to my family, I guess.

Things have been relatively okay, which seems really strange, but I don't want to take advantage of the nice situation. I mean, it's not nice, of course. What happened is upsetting and I hate it, but things aren't as bad as I thought they would be.

I'm sorry for avoiding the topic. Richie left last week, and it's been a process trying to understand what to do. It's just Stan and Ben now- well, them and me, of course. It'll always be me. Not that that's a bad thing, of course. I took this upon myself, I could have backed out of the promise like any one of them could. But we didn't, so this is just something I have to do, even if I have to do it alone.

I thought Stan would be upset about what happened, but he seems okay. Happy even. Well, Stan happy. When Stan's in a good mood, it's usually different than what everyone else's version of a good mood would be. But it's still a good mood nonetheless- even if I am a bit suspicious of it. He's been at the park a lot and Ben says he's been visiting him almost every day. I don't know what to do about it, whether to leave him to do what he needs to do or to sort of prematurely pop the balloon, so to speak. To get the freakout over with now or to let him enjoy the numbness for a while. I want to help but I don't know how.

I've never really thought about what it meant to me for Richie to leave. I knew for some time that he'd be leaving, but it still hurt a bit. Richie felt like the glue that kept us all together with his dumb jokes and obnoxious voices. Even when he got on people's nerves, Richie was always a good friend to have around. He's still a good friend, obviously. I hope he finds some nice friends out in California- he definitely deserves them. I'm excited to see what becomes of Richie, I think. He'd always talk about these too-big dreams of his, but Richie was also really smart. If he just put his mind to it and focused on a couple of things instead of a hundred, maybe we'd all be surprised at what Richie Tozier could accomplish.

* * *

_ May 1, 1991 _

I think one of the weirdest things about hanging out with the Losers is that people from town started recognizing me for that. Believe me, it was a welcome change from what people used to really only see me as. I'd rather be a loser than a loner.

Anyway, this year was even more strange because I actually went to the high school in town, which I had never really done before. Schools really do look like how they do on television!

There was this school dance and Stan had invited me to go. He said that it would be more fun with me there, since Ben was sick with the flu at the time and he didn't want to go by himself. Again, it was a lot like how you see in movies and tv and stuff. Stan said it would be strange for us to dance together, which I understand, but it was fun to talk and dance a bit in the hallway by the gymnasium.

I did feel a bit awkward when this one girl asked me to dance- I've never really danced with a girl before, but Stan said it would be fun. He said her name is Justine Lackey and she just moved to Derry a few weeks ago, which made sense to me. Maybe if she'd been here for a while she wouldn't have asked me to dance? Either way, I thought her green dress was very pretty since it matched her eyes and all. I think she mentioned that that was why she picked that dress in the first place.

As pretty as I do think Justine is, I think maybe it would be weird for me to ask her on a date. Work and school are keeping me super busy and I wouldn't want her to come second to everything in my life. Especially when my life is so much.

When I told Ben about the dance, he seemed to think the entire thing was super romantic, but I didn't really think of it that way. I have learned that Ben is naturally a romantic at heart, which I think is a bit hard to get used to. Romance is a hard thing for me to really wrap my head around, but I think I do understand it. I'm just not entirely sure why some people think it's such an important thing. It is interesting to talk about it with Ben- the way he describes love and his feelings make me think romance is this really big thing. Or maybe it's just that way to him? I'm not really sure.

Stan definitely doesn't seem like someone to ask about romance. Not that Stan comes off as that person, but he is just very… Stan. His idea of romance would probably be very different than what most people would come up with. Not that that's a bad thing, of course. Different isn't bad- it's just different. In my head, at least, different is good. No one got anywhere in this world by being the same as everyone else. Though, then again, I don't know too much about romance- I'll have to ask Ben about that one.

It is weird to think about what will happen to us as adults. We are going to get married and have kids and all of that and none of us will be there for any of it. Richie isn't going to be making fun of Bill at his wedding, Eddie isn't going to be there in the hospital to hold Stan's baby. When we were all together for that one summer that feels like it was forever ago now, I felt like I had this big family. Now, I am not sure what you'd call us.

I think it might be my fault we are like this now. I was the last one to join their group. Maybe I ruined things? Maybe things would have been fine without me. I should have walked away, there was this thought in the back of my head telling me to walk away but I stayed. Sometimes I wish I walked away. Would that have been the right thing to do? It's hard to know. I wish I knew.

* * *

_ May 22, 1991 _

One of the best parts of the warmer weather, I think, is just being able to lay down in the grass and look up at the clouds on a sunny day. I think it's calming, even if it is boring.

I went to Stan's house yesterday and his dad was cutting the grass, so I think that's why I thought of that. Also maybe because later that day we sat in the grass. I thought that was pretty strange, actually. Stan was never really one to sit directly on the grass, he always said it was too dirty.

Stan's still acting happy- well, like I said, the Stan version of happy. I'm still not sure how to really react to it so maybe I'm just supposed to treat him normally. Hopefully, that's what I'm supposed to do. I wasn't exactly given a packet of instructions on what to do in this instance. Or any instance.

I shouldn't have said Stan was still acting happy, I guess that was a bit of a lie- he seemed rather upset when his mom called him back inside for a phone call. I guessed maybe Ben had called him about something, but he didn't say who it was. Not at first, at least.

Stan said it was Beverly that called him, and I wasn't really sure how to take that. He said she seemed lost- not, like, lost in the woods or something, but the way her voice sounded. I wanted to be happy about her calling, I really did. I wanted this nightmare to be over- I still want it to be over if it isn't. But I tried calling Beverly last night when I got home and she didn't know who either of us was- not Stan, and not me. Maybe she really was lost. I'll have to ask Ben about what that was all about, I am positive that he would know. If anyone would know, I know Ben would. He's smart like that.

On a happier note, I did manage to ask Justine out on a date. Stan said that I should go for it and just see what happens. I think at the time I misread things because she seemed confused and needed to think about it. She still hasn't responded to me, but hopefully she will this weekend. I know I would need some time to think about that sort of thing if someone randomly asked me on a date. It's okay if she says no, though. Maybe she'll want to be friends instead? Maybe. Hopefully.

My flowers seem to have been growing quite well, the ones for Eddie. It's nice having my own little thing to look after, even if they are just some flowers. I'm used to working with dirt and stuff, so it's not much of a problem to look after a small pot of flowers. Especially not when they're for Eddie. Then it's not much of a problem at all, of course.

Though I have been pretty busy at the library, I think that it is nice to be able to spend so much time with Ben. I never really talked to him that much before, but he is probably my best friend now. Stan's my best friend, too, of course, but I do work with Ben a lot, so we spend more time together. Lately, Stan seems to be off on his own, which does make me feel a bit better knowing how independent he can be. I thought things would be bad when Richie left, but Stan seems to be handling it well. I'm proud of him for that.

It's weird that it's almost been two years already. But in a good way, I think. I would probably go crazy if time went by slowly here. Even if there are a lot of bad things going on and a lot of bad people in the world, there are also a lot of good things and good people.

After all, we are still the Losers Club. Now we just live further apart. And as scary as that is to think about, I think if Stan can handle it, then I can, too. Or, well, I can try to- that's all we can hope to do, right? To try.


	6. The Big Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike deals with Stan's breakdowns as well as his and Ben's research into the history of the town.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to my wonderful friend Jazzy, who was super patient with me while I wrote this! I know it's late, but I hope this helps you feel a bit better.

_July 5, 1991_

Do you ever think about what your role in life is supposed to be? Not just _your_ life, but life in general. I know it's a weird question to ask right now, but I think about that a lot. Whether it is my destiny to stay here in Derry forever or maybe I'm supposed to leave like the others.

Lately, Stan seems to think about destiny now a bit, which is strange, but I don't want to question that. I think he's mostly just talking about that stuff so much now that he has that bird at his house. Stan told me he found a bird that was hurt on his way home from the park one day so now he's trying to nurse it back to health, I guess. Birds scare me, so I don't want to visit him and have it try to attack me or something. I'd rather not risk that. Stan said he named the bird Blueberry since it's a blue jay, which I think is too sweet of a name for a bird.

It was my birthday a few days ago, too, which went rather nicely this year. I went bowling with Ben and Stan, though Justine couldn't join us- she sprained her wrist last week, so I get why she wouldn't really want to go bowling with us. She did give me a card, though, which I think was very nice of her to do. Stan ended up winning the first game while I won the second, though I think both of them went easy on me since it was my birthday. Either way, it was a good day. Maybe we can do the same thing next year? I'm not sure. Hopefully, Justine can come next year, though.

I don't think I mentioned it, but Justine did say no when I asked her on a date, though I do understand why. She said it was a bit too early for her to do the whole dating thing since she just moved here, but she is okay with us being friends. Luckily for her, I'm always happy to have new friends.

I am sort of glad Justine said no, as I'm not really sure what I would have done if she said yes. My life right now is super busy, so I think maybe it was destiny for her to have said no- I made a new friend, after all. At the library, Ben's been giving me a bit of his work to do, which is okay, as I think he is up to something interesting. He hasn't really told me what he's doing just yet, but he has been checking out a good number of the history books. I hope he's onto something big, but at the same time, I do want to help. I hate that he is doing it all alone. I know how that feels and I don't want him to feel like he has to be alone when Stan and I are here and could help out. I'll ask him about it tomorrow, hopefully, Ben will understand.

Stan's been doing pretty good lately, too, so maybe he'll be able to help. It's always nice to have Stan around.

* * *

_July 14, 1991_

It's really late and I haven't been able to sleep, so I think maybe now is the time to write. Today's been sort of a crazy day so maybe putting it into writing will help me figure out what to do.

I don't know how to say this, but I think it happened. Stan's not okay and I don't know how to help him. I think what sort of set him off was that his bird was all better, so he had to let them go. Now he's just here, in my bed, and I think the only reason he is sleeping is that he tired himself out from all that crying. It sure scared the hell out of me.

Stan was in the park when I found him- I was on my way home from hanging out with Ben and he was just sitting in the grass staring at the ground. He wouldn't say anything when I tried talking to him- that's when I knew something was wrong. Even though Stan is a shy kid, he wouldn't ignore his friends for no reason. Or, at least, I hope he wouldn't.

After I found him at the park, I was able to sort of get him to come back to my house and that's sort of when all hell broke loose. He locked himself in the bathroom and just cried- he wouldn't even talk to me when I tried to ask him things or distract him from however he was feeling. I just wanted him to be okay and he wasn't okay. I know it wasn't my fault, but it still felt like it was. I felt like I failed him for letting his little happiness phase go on for so long.

Stan did take a shower after a while, though, which made me feel better. I knew the water would calm him down and help him think. After that, he just laid on my bed for a bit and stared at the wall. He did eventually talk to me, even if it was hard to hear what he was saying. When I asked him if he wanted some dinner, he just started crying again. He wasn't crying like he normally did- it was really quiet. I could barely tell he was crying.

He kept talking about life and how he doesn't know what to do. Stan said that he thought if he pretended that everything was okay then maybe things would be okay, but then Blueberry left and he realized how alone he was- or, well, how lonely he really felt after Richie left. Then he started feeling bad because he knew how I felt, but that just made me feel weird since he was crying about me. Richie and Blueberry didn't choose to leave, it's just how things were. I kinda wish I told him that stuff at the time. I didn't want to interrupt him, so I just listened to him.

I don't think Stan wanted to spend the night, but I'm sort of glad he is. I think I would be too scared for him to be by himself. Not that he can't handle himself or anything, I just think maybe he'd feel better having a friend with him right now. Even if I can't always be with him, it helps me to know he's feeling okay.

I hope Stan doesn't see this, but I hope that he's sort of next to be moving away. I can tell how much he is hurting, and I just don't want him to feel like this anymore, even if it means he won't remember me or anything else from Derry. Ignorance is bliss sometimes, and Stan deserves some bliss right now.

* * *

_August 1, 1991_

Things have been interesting lately for me- aren't they always?

Ben and I have been working on our research stuff, which is really helpful for me. I hope it's helping him, too. It's hard to explain, but it's nice to have that dedicated time to think about Derry and everything that has happened. All my other time is spent doing things for me. My life is still crazy, but at least it's a bit more organized.

I do worry about Ben sometimes- he seems to be working nonstop on Derry stuff and I know that's not exactly a healthy thing to do. When I try to ask him about slowing down, he seems to get upset that I'm asking him to do less. Ben is an amazing friend, but I don't think he knows that sometimes. I understand how that feels, but maybe soon he'll understand how important he is to us.

Stan is still… Stan, I guess. Now that the whole balloon of happiness has burst, he's sort of having trouble being happy at all, but he has his moments. Most of the time he seems to be more interested in the floor than the rest of the world, though. In Derry, though, I guess that makes sense. If I were him, I'd want to stare at the floor, too. Hell, I'm not him and I still want to stare at the floor. Anything to ignore the rest of this town.

It's weird being part of a three-person group but in a good way. I'm not sure what it'll be like when it's just two people, but I hope it isn't too bad. Now, at least, we're still a group. It's hard to be part of a group when there are just two people- then it's just a friendship. Not that that's a bad thing, of course, but sometimes people want a bit more than just to be with one person. With friends, I think, you want to feel as though you're worth something bigger than you are by yourself. And I know I'm worth a lot more when I'm with these guys.

* * *

_August 9, 1991_

Stan had another bad night. I'm not sure how much longer I can really help him with this stuff, but I will still try to do whatever I can. It wasn't as bad as the first time- I don't think I could ever forget that day- but it was still pretty bad. It's hard to think of what to write- he rode his bike all the way out to my house and he stayed up all night staring out the window and fidgeting with his hands. We talked a bit, but I don't really remember what we said. He's sleeping now, though, which is good. I hope he's sleeping well.

Justine and I went to the movies last weekend, which was fun. The movie theater was replaying some old movies, so we went and saw _Gone with the Wind_. I've never seen it before, but I think it was interesting. I never thought movies could be so long- not to say it was boring or anything, I just didn't realize it was such a long movie. She felt awkward taking me to see that particular movie, but I thought the history was really interesting. I never really thought about what the Civil War was like in other parts of the country and how they affected specific people. It's strange how one thing can tear a country apart.

I feel bad that Stan rode his bike all the way to my house. It was raining last night, and I'm scared he might get sick from that. He seems to be okay, but I hate that he was feeling so bad that he decided to come all the way out here. I'm sure Ben could have helped him just fine. It feels weird watching him sleep, but at the same time, it is weirdly comforting knowing he's relaxed right now. Even if his hair is a complete mess and the dark circles under his eyes make me suspect that he hasn't slept in a few days. But he is now, and isn't that all that counts?

I'm not sure how school is going to go this year. Stan's already had trouble with school, but this year seems worse. Maybe I'll try talking to Stan's parents or something. I don't want any of my friends to leave, but I just can't help but think that Stan is nothing but miserable here. I know he loves us, too, but again- I'd rather have him happy than have him here. Even if it means him forgetting us, I know what I've seen with Stan and I know that he's just not happy. He's quite different from Eddie in that way. With Eddie, I sort of wanted to keep him remembering as long as possible, but with Stan, I want him to forget and move on. Maybe some people are just like that, they need to move on to be happy instead of finding closure. And that's okay.

* * *

_September 21, 1991_

It's been a while since I've written, but please take that as a good thing. I really only like to write when really important things have happened, so, usually, it's a good thing when my life is relatively boring. But I am writing now so I suppose that's a worrying thing- I don't mean to worry anyone, of course.

Today was Stan's last day in Derry. Ben and I tried to make it as good of a day as it could have been, so I hope Stan had a nice day. He seemed upset to be leaving- he even tried to convince me to let him stay with me. I wasn't sure how to respond to that, but I told him that maybe him leaving was for the best. Ben didn't really know what to say to him, but I could tell he was sad that Stan was leaving. It's hard to find someone like Stan- he's such a great person and an even better friend.

Ben had to work today, so he couldn't be with us too much, but he seemed happy to have been able to say goodbye. Even though goodbyes are like torture, it's good to be able to show our friends how important they are to us by giving them a good last day. Well, last day for now, anyway. Hopefully, someday we can all get together and laugh about all of this. And Derry would have been just a stupid speck in our lives that are so much better than this.

It's weird to say this, though I guess it was really weird to actually experience it, but Stan kissed me before he left. He said he knows it doesn't really mean much to me, but he wanted to let me know how much I am loved. Even if I will be alone soon, I won't be completely alone in the world. I think that's why Stan is such a great friend- he knows things about you that you never really would say much attention to. I will say it was a strange thing to experience, the kiss. Not to say it was a bad kiss (it wasn't), but it wasn't really something you'd expect from Stan.

I hope things are better for Stan in New York. He seemed nervous to go to such a big city, but maybe that's a good thing. No one is ever really prepared to move so far away from the place they grew up in, especially not from Derry to New York City. With the others, it felt scary for them to go so far away, but this feels different now that it's Stan. It almost feels expected? It feels like this is something he deserves after all the shit he's been through here. It would break my heart if he ever had to come back to this place, even if he promised to. But I suppose we don't have to think about that right now. Right now, things are okay.

Rest easy, songbird. You made it.


	7. Lucky Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike's journal comes to its inevitable conclusion  
> (for now) as he looks back on his time with his friends and his thoughts on the future.
> 
> I want to take a minute to thank everyone that took the time to read and support this fic of mine, it means everything to know how much you cared for my writing!

_May 23, 1992_

Well, folks, that's a wrap. Sorry if that was weird to say, it felt right to say at the time- in my head, it felt like the right thing to say about all of this. It definitely was leading up to this.

It's been an insanely long time since I've written in this particular journal, mostly since I think I've been busy working with Ben- with the other important Derry stuff, we kept a separate journal to keep all that stuff in order. This is more like a personal journal. Nothing much has really happened to me personally in a long time. That's a good thing, right?

Yesterday was Ben's last day in Derry. I didn't really feel like writing last night, I didn't really know how to take it. I wanted a day where I could just feel sad about it. We went down to the quarry to hang out, which was nice. Even though it was a sad day, it was a good day.

Ben gave me some of his books, the ones about Derry. I think he figured out that he wouldn't really be needing them wherever he ends up with his mom, considering he won't even be able to point out Derry on a map anymore. Not even when it's staring him right in the face.

I don't really know what to do now. I can feel it in my bones, the urge to do something, but I hate that I don't know what it is that I am supposed to do. What if It comes back? What if It doesn't? I don't know which is worse, to be honest. To know that either I have to bring my friends back to this place or that they all left for nothing. To simply torture me for- for what, exactly? What have I done that they haven't?

I don't mean to get upset about it. I really just have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I'm supposed to just move on and forget like them. They just get to do that in better places.

One of the hardest parts about Ben being gone now is that the library is going to be sort of boring. Maybe I can suggest to Justine that she can start working there, too- it'd be nice to work with another kid my age that I know. Or, at least, someone that isn't always insulting me. Hopefully, the universe will allow her to stay in Derry- she wasn't involved at all with It, so I think maybe the universe will let me have that one. Not that Justine is something for me to have, I just mean maybe I deserve to have one nice friend. God knows how long I might be here by myself.

Luckily it is summer, though, so it is time to go out and make friends and stuff. Maybe not all the kids in town are bad if I try my best to be as friendly as possible. If they are still horribly rude to me, then I'll sort of know where this town stands. I know I am better than it, anyway, so I don't really need it for much. Just keeping myself alive and well long enough to know what I need to do and how to do it and I should be fine. Well, I hope so, anyway. Even if I don't want to, I know this is something I have to do.

It feels strange to mention this now, but I am writing this from on my roof. Beverly sort of got me into that habit now- it isn't so much to help me calm down, but it's more about just going out and looking at the stars. They're beautiful out here on a clear night. It's very humbling, too, to know just how small I am in this big universe. It helps to know I am just one small person- my problems might seem giant right now, but even if I fail at what I am meant to do, it's okay. The universe can't expect just one person to save it, right? I hope not.

* * *

_June 15, 1992_

Justine invited me to hang out at her house last weekend. It was her birthday, so she had a small sleepover with her boyfriend and a few of her friends from school. It was weird being around so many girls, even if there were only two or three of them. I was a bit sad when she mentioned she had a boyfriend, though I guess she had been talking about the guy for a while- she mentioned he lives in Portland, which makes sense why I've never met him before. I guess his mom let him drive up here for Justine's birthday, which was cool. Connor seems like a nice kid, even if he did give me these weird looks sometimes- not really rude looks, but more sad ones? Like he did something wrong to me or something. I've never met him before, though, so I'm not sure what he's really done.

Justine also got glasses a few weeks ago, which she apparently hates wearing. She talks a bit about trying contacts, though I think she looks nice in glasses. Though I get what she means when she says that her face is very "top-heavy" since she has those thick frames and her hair is really big- is big the right word? Justine has very short dark hair that's just big. Not exactly curly, but just… poofy.

I feel weird talking so much about her hair, so I'll move on from that now.

It was a nice time, being at Justine's house. The other kids probably felt weird with me being there, but they were really nice. Or, at least, they weren't outwardly rude to me. I did talk to Justine about her working at the library, and she said she would think about it- which I guess is okay? At least it isn't a no. The librarians are nice, but it is hard sometimes working with people that are much older than me.

I think I might work at the library when I'm older. It gives me a lot of time to do my work and it is a nice place to work. I don't know how Grandpa will take to that news, but hopefully he isn't too upset by it. I think he knows I'm not exactly the best at farm stuff. Not to say I don't like the farm, but it's nice getting out and working in a building with other people. Even if it feels like they have no idea what's going on.

That is a bit weird, isn't it? I work with all of those nice people at the library, but they're all older than me and they don't really have a clue about what's happening in their own town. They all try to tell me how the world works- Grandpa does that, too- but none of them would be able to do the things I've done. Hopefully one day they will understand. Then again, though, maybe it is best that some things are left unknown to the world. I'm not sure what would happen if everyone did understand these things. What if the wrong person knew about It? Even I have trouble sleeping at night when I think about that stuff, so I don't know what would happen if adults or some of the worse kids figured all that out. Maybe adults are better, though. Smarter.

However, adults are ignorant. They're complacent with things they shouldn't be. I don't know why adults are so afraid of change when change makes things better. I guess I'll figure that out when I'm older.

* * *

_July 3, 1992_

Today is my birthday, and I hate that it's not a good one.

I turned 16 today, which should be a good thing. In all the movies I used to watch with the Losers, the 16th birthday was a huge deal. But it's really not- to me, at least.

For my 16th birthday, I just had a regular day. When I got home, though, I sort of realized that most of the other Losers are 16 now, too. They're getting their licenses, they're getting jobs, girlfriends, boyfriends, thinking about colleges and the rest of their lives. They're free to do that and I'm really not. I chose to stay behind, but part of me wishes I didn't. Part of me wants to live my life like they get to. I want that, sometimes. I want a normal life.

Then I look around at all the people in Derry and even though they look happy, I can't help but think they're all lying. That they know something is wrong with the town and they're all just ignoring it. Pretending everything is okay. They have to know something is wrong, right? All those kids that go missing every 27 years, every last one of them had families. Families that know something happened but apparently never cared enough to stop it. I think that's why I'm staying here. Not because I promised to, but because I think of those kids. Someone needs to stop that from happening again- even if I (we?) die trying, at least we did something.

I don't mean to be all cynical about things here, but I think I deserve to be a little upset about it. This is just how my life is and I am glad to have had such amazing friends, but I hate that they don't even fucking know my name anymore. They don't know and, again, I'm glad they were able to get out of this place, but they need to know. They need to remember what happened or else they're no better than anyone else here. If It isn't dead, I'll need them to finish what we set out to do three years ago. I know it's bordering on obsession at this point, but I don't care. Every day I spend here is a day meant to remind me that we probably failed so we're being punished for that. Some more than others, though.

Even if I was sort of roped into this group by sheer circumstance, I think it is the best part about being in Derry. Memories with them probably are the only things keeping me here- Grandpa too, of course, but this is different. You understand what I mean.

I guess that's a good thing, remembering them. It helps make my memories of that summer not all bad. Hell, it makes this town not all bad. Knowing that there can be some good things that come out of it. Even if a lot of it is bad, you can't really weigh those things- the bad will always outweigh the good, but if you focus on the good, the bad won't seem as bad. Maybe it's a good thing I keep this stuff in a personal journal; I would not want any of this ending up in a library or something for the whole world to see. I know I'll want to do that when I'm older- publishing my journal (journals?) on It and Derry. Hopefully some good will come out of it, even if a lot of the stuff in the journals themselves will be bad.

It's hard to say now, but I think this will be my last journal entry for a while. Though I like taking some time to write about my life, I think it's best for everyone if I keep my focus on my work and research and stuff. It'll hurt me in the long run. I know, but it'll hurt the town even more if I lose my focus. I know this town doesn't exactly deserve to be saved, but there are some good people in it that do. No matter how awful a lot of them are, they don't deserve to die. No one does.

No matter how long it takes for us to be together again, all of us, I know it'll be worth it. Like how Christmas is more of a season and not just a holiday. There's this whole build-up of excitement until it's the actual day, and the day is always amazing. Even though it takes a long time to get to get to Christmas, it's worth it. I don't know which one of them I am the most excited to see again- they're all amazing in their own ways. Beverly's been gone the longest, so I think we'll all be excited to see her again, but I think Stan is the one that I want to see the most. He seems like he's going to have a very interesting life, wherever he ends up. Then again, we've all had our share of interesting lives already.

Part of me loves that, and part of me hates it- isn't that how it is with everything, though?

Also, to be honest, I guess my birthday this year wasn't _all_ bad. Grandpa surprised me with a dog! Well, more of a puppy- he said it's a border collie. I'm not sure what I'll name him, of course, since I've only had him for a day. Sometimes that's how the best friendships are created, though. Especially one between a kid and his dog that likes staring at him while he's writing and eating potato chips.

It might not be the most exciting thing in the world, but I think I deserve that right now: a little bit of calm. We all deserve that right now.

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me on tumblr! @kenzie-ann27


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